I make mistakes.

We all do.

No one is perfect.

When you or I, or anyone makes them... you have to own up to your fault, suck it up, and do your best not to make that mistake again. You can't beat yourself up over it (at least not for long) and expect to improve on your life.

If you hurt a friend when you didn't mean to (and if you did, why are you hurting your friends on purpose of all people?), then you need to apologize for the situation and do your best not to repeat your mistake.

By the same token, your friend shouldn't hold your mistake over you. If they do, what kind of friend are they anyway? Not very good ones, I'd wager.

However, I find myself having trouble with my own advice this time. It's only been about four hours, but it's creating a horrible pain in my chest, and I legitimately feel sick to my stomach.

I hurt a friend so bad she cried (though she did so without my knowing it at the time... she cried "off screen"). I hurt my friend so bad that I knew at the time I'd snapped at her and I didn't care... and later because I didn't care, I got the "boyfriend, but your friend" talk... that talk you get where the boyfriend of your friend is also your friend, but you hurt things between them...

I'm sure most of you guys out there know the "boyfriend, but your friend" talk... it goes a little bit something like this: "I want you to know... that even though you apologized, and I'm glad for that... if you ever hurt her like that again... you and I are going to have a problem."

Ah, fun times...

(That last line was sarcasm.)

The problem here is really the not initially caring part. That's my problem here. I am wrong for snapping at my friend, and I am deeply sorry about it. Deeply like I've got that 'worry if things will ever be the same again' kind of deeply (even though I know I have very little to reason worry on that front)...

My problem is that... I snapped at my friend because she can't stop taking things too seriously... and always badly. I'm honestly sick and tired of it. I don't know what to do. She'll get home from work today and read these words, and I wont know what to reply with...

She thinks the negative version of anything you might say... that bad connotation... worst case scenario... everything's her fault kind of way... And it bugs the ever-lovin' shit out of me. I can't stand it any more.

Friend (as I am not typing her name, though she and everyone I know already has every idea who I'm talking to here)... Friend, what you have to understand is that... if you always take the negative to everything, you're doing worse that just misunderstanding. You thinking the things I'm not saying, hearing words that aren't coming out of my mouth, or even expecting that I will react badly to something you haven't even said yet... it's more than just a reflection on your negative outlook on life... it's a message to me that you expect those reactions from me... that you don't think much of me as a friend.

I don't care if it's not true. I can't. By now you should know me better than to think I will think little of you, bite your head off, talk down to you, or burst out at you on purpose. If you can't see that I'm your friend... if I'm not "allowed" to make negative critiques of you as a friend... then what does that say about our relationship?

This is not a plea to anyone for anything. This is not a request for an apology or a declaration of blame. This is an outlet for me... so that you might see things from my side.

I was the badguy here. I snapped, and I shouldn't have. For that, I am sorry. The reason I snapped, however, was the build-up of anguish over your negativity towards myself and others. I can't stand it anymore.

My feelings upon lashing out at someone, regardless of situation, is a culmination of the pressure of living with something for far too long. In this instance, I snapped not because I was angry, but because I was frustrated... immensely so. I shouldn't have snapped... I should have let it out slowly over a long period of time... should have taken my own advice.

To all you who are still reading this lengthy Blog, let me say this: If you let anything build-up over time... having problems at school, work, friends, or play... if you do not air it out your grievances a little over time then they will all burst out of you at a most inopportune moment as they have this morning with me.

I should have taken her aside... I should have refused to be denied the conversation for as long as I had been. It's my fault I snapped, not hers, and I am sorry. I could have prevented it, but I didn't want all the hassle of trying to work out something that obviously troubled her.

But I should have made it work... should have worked it out.

I don't feel much better from typing this... but I can't beat myself up over it forever. I have to move on and do my best not to let it happen again in the Future...

...and that's the best any of us can ever do.