Let's assume you're a Vampire, shall we? If this is the case, I hate you. Your life is a cop-out... a jip. You don't have to play by the same rules as other people, and your nature informs you that we're all sheep or at the very least you're better than us.

Screw you. You know what you are? You're a little fucker who couldn't figure out how to make it through life on his or her own, and now you're undead. Hell, depending on the universe, you may not even have a soul anymore. How does that feel? You're a memory of your previous self, not even the real you. Your unlife is a farce.

Let me say this as clearly as possible: I will end your unlife. No, really. I know the rules, and though they may differ slightly from dimension to dimension, I've got the basics down-pat. Some day, you just wont wake... or you'll cook in the morning sun, having been staked down in your own front yard.

Why do I hate you Vampires? Easy: Your life is a cheat. You got embraced one of a few ways, and I've heard them all:

Someone saw something in that they wanted to keep forever. Maybe you're an artist, maybe you're a sculptured body, or perhaps there's some science that you understand with a genius the world has never seen before... in any of these cases, you may have been an awesome human being... but this means also that you're going by original World of Darkness rules, and in that case, you'll never get any better.

Your art will still have the same strokes, but be soulless (for lack of a better term), your body, however beautiful it was, will never be more so... you'll be like a porcelain doll... that way for ever... and on the genius front, not sure. I think perhaps you can continue to think, but your methods and procedures will never change... forced, in your unchanging undeath, to do what you've always done, the same way you've always done it.

That's the best case, really. What else is there? Anita Blake universe? Well, congrats... you owe your life to your sire and or the Prince of your city. You are at their beck and call. The same above situations for embrace apply, but perhaps you can improve? Your goals, inherently, do not get fulfilled. You do the bidding of others for eternity or until you get the guts to try and take control yourself... and if you were a pathetic human, you're probably a pathetic vampire. Good luck convincing people to follow you in an effort to overthrow the Prince who's been running your town for one or two hundred years. They probably just want the seat themselves and are just using you.

Lastly (in my list, not in possibilities), there's the Buffverse. These are fun vampires because they're some of the weakest there are. On top of not really getting powerful, their prerequisites for embrace are usually one of a few categories: fodder for their plan (way to go), spiting one of the goodguys (your friends now have to stake you), or being someone that those vampires wanted to keep around. Maybe there's something awesome about you as per above. Maybe you just know how to use a computer or fly a plane, and you didn't cooperate... either way, they vamp you just to keep you around... now you're life is the same, you just can't go out during the day.

On the upside (if there is one), vampires of the Buffyverse aren't the same people who got embraced. What happens is your soul flies off to the afterlife, and a demon possess your body (they just happen to keep your memories and experiences). Why is this an upside? It means that even your family and friends can feel good about getting rid of you since you've already moved on. What's a better motivator for killing a vamp than knowing they're imitating and mocking the life and existence of one of your closest friends? Not much else.

So how do I kill you? Firstly, I don't let you the hell in my God damn house. I don't care how you phrase it, you don't get an invite. I know about your dream tricks, too. Go into my dreams and get me to invite you in? Yeah, I know that counts. Screw you, not happening. I have amazing control over my dreams. I also know about the "open invitation"... how leaving your door unlocked can be an invitation, or even leaving it unlocked... I both close and lock my doors, so that means I have me a safe haven. Assuming I am being chased, you can't get me in my home.

Garlic? Check. Holy Water? Know where to get it, and a super-soaker. Sure, it sounds silly, but you'll burn all the same. Crosses? I can get them. Many of them. I may not have all this stuff around me right now, but who does? They only thing I'm missing is faith, and if I find out their are vampires, I've got a good chance to start believing in religion...

I know some of you don't die by stake, you just get paralyzed. Sometimes you can get someone to take it out... but if you don't turn to dust in three seconds, then I'm taking your paralyzed corpse ass and leaving you out on the front lawn, watching you until dawn when you burst into flames. Also, while I may not have an ax handy for a necessary beheading, you can preform much the same with a butcher knife. It just takes longer.

Look, maybe you're not a bad person... but I can't take that chance. Most of you are. You're stronger and faster than I am, and there's no chance an unathletic person such as myself would ever be able to handle you in a straight-up fight. No. I'll play along for a bit, but I will find where you sleep during the day (even if it's in the earth) and I will stake you then. I'm not stupid, but you might be. Most vampires don't expect the sheep to fight back.

In conclusion: you're life is sad. Your existence is a mockery. Vampires live for centuries, cannot go out in the sun, and never really change. Immortally lets you watch all those people you claim to care about die off from old age a little at a time. You care little to nothing for your fellow man, and you don't involve yourself in human society. After all, why would you? You'll be around longer than the US or China or anyone.

Immortality is a curse. What's your best bet? You live on until the earth's end (which I guess isn't that far away). You may have already gone mad form having no blood in you when the last human die, because most vampires don't die from lack of blood... they just don't deal with it well. So some day, when the sun goes super-nova and the earth is but an absorbed rock into it's surface temperature, ask yourself this: was it worth it?